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The First Day of Kindergarten Almost Broke Me

The First Day of Kindergarten Almost Broke Me - One mom's emotional account of her daughter's first day.

My precious Grace entered the new world of kindergarten. I thought I was prepared and wouldn’t be that emotional about it, but I should have known better. Other people’s “first day of school” photos have been making me cry since Grace was a baby. Why did I think it would be different for me when it was my own child???

The stress started for me the night before her first day. We had kindergarten orientation that evening and I was more than annoyed that we were receiving critical information the night before school started.

One new piece of information that I found out was that I needed to send a snack with Grace every day. On the drive home I was going on and on about how silly it was that she needed a snack for half day kindergarten and what could I possibly find in my nearly-bare cupboards to send with her the next day.

Nate said, “Geez. Stop freaking out about the snack.”

And that is when I about lost my mind.

“I’m not freaking out about the snack. I’m freaking out about EVERYTHING!!!

Which was the honest to goodness truth. The snack stress was merely a symptom of the anxiety that was brewing inside.

That night I slept awful. I had a hard time falling asleep because I was thinking about school the next day. Grace woke me up because she needed something. I struggled to go back to sleep and then was hit with cold symptoms that forced me out of bed. Then Noah woke up. I finally got back to sleep, but in the morning I was exhausted. And sick.

I woke up with a terrible cold that left me without any physical energy to deal with the emotions of the day. 

One mom's emotional struggle with her daughter's first day of kindergarten.

I took Grace to school and was ready to walk her into her classroom like the teachers told us we could do the night before, but for some reason that I don’t understand, it didn’t happen that way. All of the parents said good-bye outside.

Grace was nervous, but I knew she would be okay without me walking in with her. I was the one who wasn’t okay with that.

I cried.

I cried a lot.

Then I took a nap because of the exhaustion and awful cold.

And then I cried some more.

I cried so much that a friend took pity on me and sent Nate a text message telling him that he needed to pick up supper that night because I needed a break from cooking. Which, of course, made me cry some more.

Why exactly was I so emotional (beside the lack of sleep)? I think my breakdown can best be summed up with this statement I said to Nate that evening, “Some day she is going to grow up and move away!” *cue major sobs from me and Nate clueless about how to drag me off this emotional cliff*

I have always been an extremely sentimental person. Graduating from high school was sad for me. Graduating from college was flat out depressing.

I watched Grace walk into that school building and I was hit with the fact that this was my new life. Someone else’s schedule is going to determine my schedule. Someone else’s requirements for homework are going to determine how we spend our family time.

I am letting go of my control and she is growing up.

Note: Nate and I firmly believe in sending our children to public school. If we were a homeschooling family, I would still remain in control and that thought is tempting. However, the positives that come from a public school experience are extremely important to our family at this point in time. 

grace water fountain

So I’m entering a new phase of life. I have a child in elementary school. It is unknown, and that unknown feels a bit scary right now. But….

I’m also thankful. As much as it hurts for me to let go of the season of having all my little ones at home with me, I am blessed beyond measure to witness my children growing up. I have friends who never got to send their little one to kindergarten. I have other friends who were never able to bring their baby home from the hospital.

The first day of kindergarten almost broke me, but not really. I am lucky to have experienced it.

And so as I look back at the home videos and photos of my kids as babies, it is a bit sad. Never again will Grace take her first steps. Never again will she say her first words.

But I need to remind myself that there are more firsts ahead of us that are going to bring incredible joy. I just don’t know what they are yet.

Grace is going to be amazing as a kindergartener.

I’m so glad I get to witness it.

Do you struggle with watching your children pass through important milestones? How did you handle the first day of kindergarten?

15 Comments

  1. I am a sentimental slob. Worse starting13 years ago after breast cancerand all. Every milestone is a gift denied many as you stated.

    1. A sentimental slob. That is a good way to describe it.

      I am so glad to hear you are doing well after battling breast cancer. I am sure that experience has changed your perspective greatly.

  2. wow we go all day here, we supply a snack for whole class once a month. I couldn’t homeschool.. I tried with my older ones.. I will stick with teaching preschool 🙂

    1. Half-day kindergarten is going to be a scheduling nightmare, but I am thankful that she can ease into the school process slowly.

  3. I read this to my husband because that is pretty much the same experience we had, although with less exhaustion! I am so excited for my son and proud of him, but I am still sad about him growing up. It just seems too fast!

    1. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I am glad I was able to give a voice to the feelings you had on your son’s first day. *sigh* Being a mama is hard work – physically and emotionally, right?

  4. I made you look together. I was pregnant had just moved( living in temp housing while my husband was 10 hours away packing so my son didn’t have to start at one kinder and switch one week later. I couldn’t see to drive away 🙂 the worse part is I think I’m going to handle my last kiddos first day even worse ! I hate moving up clothing sizes with him and most wouldn’t even consider that a milestone

    1. Oh, Bri. I feel ya. You sound like you are a big “feeler” like myself. I can feel things so intensely at times. Sometimes I wish I was more driven by my brain instead of my heart.

      Best of luck to you when your last one starts school. In the meantime, keep those tissues close by the next time you clean out his closet. 🙂

  5. Kindergarten was hard for me, too. My oldest son cried everyday for the first two week. My youngest son cried the first week. It does get easier. Hang in there!

    1. Emily, that must have been extra hard with your little ones crying over having to go to school! Lucky for me, Grace loves school. Still, it was hard for me to let her go. 🙂

  6. My first started kindergarten this past fall, the day after my new baby came home from the hospital!
    There were not enough tissues in the world to handle my hormones and tears. I was devastated I was missing it, while devastated he was going in the first place!
    I didn’t actually start taking him or picking him up till a month or so in, which had me in tears all over.
    Then came the Halloween party, Christmas concert…

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