I wrote this post a couple weeks ago, but I’ve been holding off on sharing it. Do I want to be this honest with my struggles and fears? I’m still not 100% sure, but I am sure that pretending I have it all together isn’t going to be helpful to anyone. Perhaps you can relate to my story and confession.
It was a Friday night after a hard week filled with roller coster emotions. I felt out of control of my feelings. Thank you, pregnancy hormones.
But it was Friday night and I was still a mother to just one. My husband was on his way home to join me on the front lines. It was a relief.
He walked up to the house with a serious look on his face, “There is a situtation at work.”
“Do you have to go back?”
“I don’t know yet.”
We sat through a tense supper while he explained the problem. We both dreaded the idea of him having to drive all the way back to work, which is an hour from our house. In the end he decided to leave while Grace and I were still eating.
I surprised myself by crying as he kissed me good-bye.
“You crying?” Grace asked. “You sad?”
“Yes, I’m crying. I’m sad that Daddy has to go back to work. Sometimes I miss Daddy while he is at work.”
Later in the meal Grace asks for more sausage.
“Take one bite of peas and then I’ll give you more sausage.”
This shouldn’t have been a difficult request since Grace likes peas, but Grace is 2.5 years old. She can be super stubborn. I have no problem matching that stubbornness.
Five minutes later and the peas have been eaten despite tear stained cheeks. I feel exhausted and defeated. Is the lesson worth it?
Was that extra bite of veggie worth the melt down? Certainly not.
Or perhaps it truly is worth the lesson to obey and listen to Mom.
Or maybe I’m just being mean.
How much worse would this evening had been if baby #2 was already here? My husband is gone after a hard week, my patience is shot, my toddler pushes my buttons at the wrong time, and my newborn literary is crying out for attention.
How mean will I become as a mother to two?
Grace is this precious little soul who is madly in love with me. She wants me. All of me all of the time. I’m scared that the lack of sleep, lack of personal space, and lack of alone time will result in a crabby, short tempered mom.
In the end, I know I can do this. I just want to do it really, really well. I adore my little Grace. I can’t imagine how wonderful it will be to have those feelings doubled with double the kids.
It is a hard job raising little ones…
UPDATE: Two years later I wrote an update on this post, sharing the 3 biggest struggles I experienced and my questions about having a third child. You can find that update here: I’m Scared to Have 2 Kids: an update 2 years later
Photo by Cicely Berkey