Miscarriage & Grief: the stupidest things make me cry
This post was written on April 16, 2016. It was 4 months after my miscarriage and about 1 month before I would find out that I am pregnant once again. I am finally ready to share this with you. It is a mere glimpse into the grief I experienced after the miscarriage.Â
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Today I sent my girlfriend a text message that said, “I weeded. And I didn’t cry!”
Once again I was reminded that grief is not a once and done process. You don’t cry all of your tragic tears in one week, one month, or one year, and then move on. You don’t get it out of your system.
And something I’m learning even more is that the stupidest things will make me cry. The stupidest things will punch me in the gut. The stupidest things will remind me that I am not pregnant. I am not having a baby this summer. We are not becoming a family of five.
Today the stupid culprit was my flowerbed. We have a flowerbed that runs the entire length of our backyard. Every year I battle the weeds, mostly by hand.
But this year was going to be different. I had warned Nate that I won’t be taking control of the weeding like I usually do. He would need to do it. Or we would need to hire someone. Or perhaps I would finally allow the awful weed killer sprays that I have banded from our property.
My belly would be swollen with new life or my arms would be full with my newborn. Either way, I was off the hook for weed duty this year.
But I’m not off the hook.
We lost our summer baby, and now the weeds are another stupid tormentor.
Everytime I look at my flower beds blooming with weeds, I am reminded that I am no longer pregnant.
I am not pregnant.
What should I wear to this event? I was suppose to be wearing a fun maternity dress, but now what should I wear?
Where should I store this box of diapers and wipes? I bought them during a Black Friday sale just days after getting the positive pregnancy test. Now what?
“Mommy, how old are you?” Noah asked me.
With a lump in my throat and tears in my eye, I answered, “I am 34.”
I don’t want to be 34, so close to 35. I don’t want to be so close to crossing that line into “high risk” pregnancy age. And I curse myself for waiting so long to try for number 3.
Yes, I will find something to wear to the event. Yes, I can keep the diapers in a closet until I am ready to use them or give them away. Yes, I can have my 35th birthday and a healthy pregnancy at the same time.
Yes, I can weed my flower beds this year.
But I don’t want to.
Because this isn’t how this year was suppose to be.
Instead this year is filled with grief and stupid reminders that sneak up on me. Yet, I will not allow the reminders to swallow me whole.
I will embrace the grief. I will let it wash over me, but I will not drown in it.
Which is why I am so proud of myself for weeding today. I did it!
And I will do the next hard thing when the time comes.
Are stupid things making you cry? Are you struggling to “pull the weeds?” I know that there are no words to take away your pain, but I am sorry. I am so terribly sorry.
Photos by pippalou at Morguefile.com
I am so sorry for your loss! 2013 was a year I never want to relive. March 20th I lost baby no3, 10days later I lost my father very unexpectedly. I never really got to fully mourn my first loss. We were told to wait 3mths before trying again. We waited counting down the days. 3mths passed I became preg first time trying. About 8wks later I lost the baby. Again we waited 3 more mths, again I lost that baby. I had tests performed on the sac to see why I was unable to carry my babies. I have a clotting issue and the 3rd baby was a partial molar pregnancy. I had to then wait 6-12mths to try again. I was so scared when we finally could try and then I was preg. But by the Grace of God I was able to carry this baby full term and gave birth to a healthy 8lbs 13oz baby girl. Emilia Grace has brought so much pleasure and joy to my life and my hubby and 2 other dghtrs. I can’t wait to see pics of your soon to be little bundle!!! Congrats!
Voting day always sucks. I know there was/is a plan but voting day will always be sucky.
I am sorry you had to go through it and sorry that I wasn’t there for you. It will get better. Not gone, but better.
I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss. While I may not fully know what you are going through, my friend does.
She started this organization to help others who have experienced child loss. Doest matter how long ago the loss was. All are welcome. May it be a blessing to you.
Perfectjoyministries.com
Oh my gosh, I so can relate to your story and how you were feeling. I miscarried baby #3 on July 4th; when most were enjoying family time and fireworks. We were beyond blessed when we found out we were pregnant without much help and right away. We struggled to get pregnant with baby #2 for a year and needed a little help getting pregnant. I’m now 34, worry about age as each month passes by. My OB states there is nothing to worry about and shared 37 with her last pregnancy. We’re in the middle of trying and fingers are crossed. I’m blessed with two wonderful babies and hope this month we can begin to grow our family to 5. Thanks for sharing and CONGRATS!!!
Hi! I had a very similar year in 2009 when trying for a second child. It’s certainly not a daily reflection for me now but I fully connect with everything you wrote. The random things that set me off! I still have the dress that I bought to wear during the pregnant summer months that never happened that time around. I was fortunate to have two more successful pregnancies (and get to wear the dress) but I still wonder who that baby was and how different life might have been. Standing with you…
i can so relate to your blog today. i’m now past pregnancy being an option in my life. but our fifth daughter, our youngest, now 13, was born when i was 43, and following 2 miscarriages. there is 8 1/2 years space between number 4 and number 5. we also had miscarriages between #1 and #2, and #2 and #3. the grief hurts, sometimes for a long time. and yes, sometimes the ‘stupidest’ things bring a wave of tears. thank you for being brave to share your thoughts.
Rebekah, I’m so sorry that you went through this. I had a miscarriage – my first pregnancy – and it was incredibly hard. There’s something about the excitement and joy being taken away so suddenly… I had a hard time with it for a while, like on what would’ve been the baby’s due date, and when other people I knew announced that they were pregnant. It took another year for me to get pregnant again, and my daughter will be seven next month. I don’t really think of that potential baby anymore, because if I had had it, I wouldn’t have my daughter.
One thing that gave me comfort – or at least distracted me – at the time, was that I learned about my miscarriage on the same day that the Elliot Spitzer (then Governor of NY, caught visiting prostitutes) broke. I kept telling myself that he was probably having a worse day than I was. 🙂
Oh, and I gave birth a few months before I turned 35 – advance maternal age – and it wasn’t that bad. I just got a lot of ultrasounds at the end of the pregnancy.
First off, I’m so sorry for your loss. I can relate to your feelings and want to thank you posting this. Many of us that have experienced a loss of child may feel alone in our feelings or that no one can understand how pulling weeds for example can make you break down or how just making it through the day without even thinking of is such a task in itself. I would love to have the 2 I lost a year apart (3-2015 & 4-2016).
Thank you for this post. I miscarried about 2 months ago. I am 34 and it was my first pregnancy. It has gotten easier to deal with day by day, but there are still the little moments that creep up on me and break me all over again. My husband and I started building a house right around the same time that I found out I was pregnant. Each time we’d go to check out the progress of the house, I’d go stand in the room that was to be the baby’s and imagine how I would decorate it or think of all the sleepless nights I’d soon be spending in that room. The house is almost complete and its such an exciting time, but now being in that room brings out the tears. I remain hopeful that one day soon I’ll have a beautiful new baby to bring home to that room.
I am so sorry for your loss, Amanda. Thank you for sharing your story with me.
I miscarried my first pregnancy… and then my second… and then my third. It was horrible. I basically feel like I lost a year of my life to grief. and I know exactly what you mean- we had a wedding we went to in June, and I remember when I was pregnant thinking about how I would need a new dress because nothing would fit by that point. When the wedding came and I was no longer pregnant, it was horrible. Now it is almost Christmas- when I should have had a 5 month old. I had even bought a little onesie last Christmas when I was pregnant.
But now I am almost 8 weeks pregnant! and absolutely terrified. But I still am trying not to think in hypothetical. Just because I was broken so severely from the previous pregnancies, I don’t want to start thinking “IF the baby is born, then I will have to buy a new dress” or “IF I am still pregnant”. This baby is the one I was meant to have, and to me, all those other heartbreaks made this one possible.
I am so terribly sorry for your losses, Jennifer. I will say a prayer for you tonight that this new little baby will thrive, and that you will find more and more peace with each passing day.
Can you be more specific about the content of your article? After reading it, I still have some doubts. Hope you can help me.
I don’t think the title of your enticle matches the content lol. Just kidding, mainly because I had some doubts after reading the enticle.