Kristen’s Stillbirth – 3 months later
Three months ago I shared with you the story of Kristen’s still birth. The comments you left on that post and emailed to me have meant so much to Kristen and me. As a thank you for your kindness, we would like to bring you an update on how Kristen is coping with the tragic loss of her son. This time the words are coming straight from Kristen. I am honored to share her words to you…
Three months ago I walked into my doctors office for what was supposed to be a routine 38 week check-up. Only 10 days from my due date with my third child I was hoping that I was in labor since I had been having contractions most of the afternoon. After a perfect pregnancy the last thing I expected to hear when the doctor went to listen to the baby was, “I’m sorry there is no heartbeat.” I was heartbroken, crushed, and prayed that somehow I would wake up and this would all just be a nightmare.
The hours and days immediately followed are somewhat of a blur…
Driving to the hospital praying that the doctor was wrong.
Learning that are baby really didn’t have a heartbeat.
Giving birth to a beautiful 21 inch, 7 lb 11 oz baby boy we named Cohen Bradley.
Learning that there is no medical reason that Cohen died.
Having people come in to talk about a graveside service and burial arrangements.
Explaining to our 4 and 2 year old sons why their much anticipated baby would not be coming home with us.
Letting as many friends and family as possible come meet and hold our sweet Cohen before we had to let him go forever.
Leaving the hospital and leaving my baby there with strangers knowing I would never hold him again here on earth.
The long ride home realizing that even though our world had stopped everyone else’s still was going on.
Coming home and seeing the car seat that we were supposed to bring our baby home in.
Seeing the empty crib that was going to remain empty.
Burying our third son, our sweet baby, Cohen that we had only met two days earlier.
Feeling an emptiness and knowing that I would never again be completely full.
So many emotions ran through me during the days and weeks that followed Cohen’s birth and continue to do so. The expected emotions of sadness, disbelief, sorrow, and shock. And emotions that I didn’t expect as much like anger, guilt, and fear.
Anger at God, anger at the lack of answers as to why this had happened, and anger at people who said things that were just not helpful and even at times unkind.
Feeling guilty for smiling and laughing with our other two boys. For doing things that seem too normal when I feel anything but normal. Even doing things that I know we wouldn’t be able to do if Cohen had lived make me feel guilty.
Fear of losing my other children. I always thought to myself that God would never let me lose one of my children because I wouldn’t be able to handle it and now here I am with one child gone and scared that God might think I can handle losing another. Fear of being alone, that I might not be able to handle doing the normal everyday things. Fear of the quiet and of the night.
But in the middle of all these horrible emotions and feelings one good feeling did come out. I have never felt so loved and blessed as I have these past three months. We have received cards, e-mails, and messages from people we don’t know saying that they are praying for us. People that we don’t know who have reached out and told us their stories of loss and offered to help in anyway they can.
My husband and I have been blessed by some amazing people in our lives. A group of women from the church I grew up in signed up to have someone pray for me a different day of the week for a year. People brought us meals three days a week for over a month after Cohen was born. I have been blessed with an amazing group of friends who I can talk to and cry with without feeling judged. Friends have come over just to be with me because I didn’t want to be alone. Friends who pray for our other two boys and the effect that this has had on their lives. People who have seen us at our lowest low and still love us. I am truly blessed to have true friends surrounding me and lifting me up in prayer at this time.
It has only been three months since my world was shattered and I am still so far from picking up all the pieces. I cry everyday for what I am missing in my life, for my sweet baby boy who should be here bringing joy into our lives. My heart is far from healed, in fact most days it feels more broken. But in the midst of all of this pain I am thankful. Thankful for my family, friends, and even strangers who have prayed for and help me up during the hardest time in my life. I hope one day that I will be able to use what has happened to our family to help someone else going through something similar. To be able to hold them up and give them hope.
Photos by: Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Photography
Kristen and Rebekah – very well written. Until someone goes through the experience, they never fully understand. I’m so sorry – it must truly be difficult. My miscarriage happened at 3 months, and even then, we could tell it would be a little brother for Steve and Mike. One of the attorneys at our office just had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. Already, you are helping others understand losses and grief. May God put his loving arms around you and give you a big hug! Blessings, Sharon, aunt of Rebekah
Sharon, I didn’t know you had a miscarriage. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for the kind words you have shared with Kristen and me.
My heart is breaking. Thank you sweet Kristen for sharing your story. I can’t imagine have difficult life has to be and that it goes on and you have to try and learn how to cope. Such beautiful pictures. I’m so sorry for your loss.
You are brave and you are strong Kristen. I don’t know why our babies are taken from us like this, but there will be no mysteries when we are holding them once again in heaven. xo
I am Kristens’ mom and I can say that this hurt is deeper than any we have ever experienced in our lives. This has been a terrible few months but the Lord is holding us tight. Everyday I miss my little grandson Cohen Bradley but I hold on to the hope that I will get to see him someday in the future. I watch my dear daughter and son-in-law grieve everyday and realize that I cannot “fix it” for them. It truely breaks my heart. I too am so thankful for the wonderful friends and family they have in PA. I know in my heart that my daughter and son-in-law will become stronger people through this difficult time in their lives.
I remember seeing your request for prayer on fb, Donna, and realizing that something beyond difficult had happened. When I later heard the news that Jesus held Cohen Bradley first, my heart was wrenched for his sweet mother and family.
I am so sorry for your great loss and all of the pain that comes with missing your precious little person. son. brother. grandson. Praying… that as you all experience HIS uplifting presence…the positive ripple effect of Cohen’s life would continue to be revealed… bringing healing to you…and HOPE to many.
Donna, I see these letters from you and your daughter which was posted on my page, through a fifty two year old nephew’s widow. I also lost a grandson because of “ancephlacell’ (sic?). With this condition, the baby cannot breath. After he was delivered and the umbilical cord was cut, little Michael Joseph gasped for air for about fifty minutes and then quietly passed on. We were there and took our turn holding him. What a HELPLESS feeling. Remember, HE cares. Also, tears not only wash and cleanse the eyes, but also the soul!
This is a beautiful piece of writing. You can tell you took your time and chose your words carefully. IT IS PERFECT! I am so blessed that I got to hold Cohen for a few moments and blessed that I am part of your journey. I am in awe of how brave and strong you and Crist have been in the past 3 months. You are a wonderful mother and woman of God. I love you!
The pictures are perfect!
Kristen and family,
I pray for God’s comfort to surround you right now in this saddest of times. I too lost my baby, he was born full term, with an unknown heart condition, one that connects the heart to the lungs. His heart beat perfectly in the womb, but once born it quickly went down hill from there. My heart aches for you and anyone who has had to live through something of this great saddness. Your words are perfect, as I read them it seems like it almost was of the days of when my son was born. There are no words even I could think of to console you at this time, but love. Feel the love from others and from God. I was amazingly blessed to have so many praying people in my life. I felt the urge to read through the whole Bible as well to grow closer to God. It wasn’t easy even reading through the Bible though so much turmoil even there. But God held me close as he will you. One day, hour, minute and second at a time. Let your sorrow flow, let your numbness be, surround yourself with loved ones. Feels safe with the ones you are around. I know I felt safest when I could speak without being judged, to others who might have experienced something similar. Big Hugs.
Kristen, I wish there were words that could undo the pain. There is no greater gift than a child and no greater sorrow than to lose one. I can only say I’m praying for all of you to keep putting one foot in front of the other and for God’s grace and love to envelope you all. I know everyone who has read this is with you in prayer and spirit.
Kristen you are so loved. I’ll never forget holding sweet Cohen, meeting the sweet boy that we had all waited so long to meet. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. Thank you for sharing your heart, I’m sure it wasn’t easy. I’m so very blessed to call you a friend, I wish I could take away all of this pain and sadness but instead, I will be here for you mourning with you and remembering sweet Cohen until we see him again. Love you!!
Kristen – you probably don’t remember me. I was there to help when you delivered Cohen. I wrapped him up and helped get the pictures done. My favorite memory is of your husband, holding Cohen in the rocking chair and singing to him. That was absolutely beautiful. Lots of thoughts, loves, and prayers are coming your way.
I don’t know you, but a friend shared this link with me. Kristen, your story sounds so much like mine. Our little Lauren was stillborn at 37 weeks, 3 years ago. Even though I did go in because I was worried about not feeling much movement, I was totally unprepared to find out she had died. We never knew why she died, either. She was our second child. The months following were incredibly painful. My now 5-year-old still often cries about missing her sister in heaven. (((Hugs)))
Kristen,
It’s been 4 years since we lost our little boy in pregnancy…such pain and loss. The weeks and months afterwards were the hardest…walking around with a post-pregnancy body and no baby, the other children and their questions, the sympathetic looks from friends and family that I wanted to run from. But, God heals. And one way He heals is simple—Time. You won’t forget, you won’t completely fill the hole, but in time, the feelings that make it hard to breathe, will lessen. That baby boy was our third, and we went on, in time, to try again—talk about a scary 9 months!!! We now have a precious little girl that I can’t imagine life without, and, it’s a little bittersweet to know that if we hadn’t lost our baby boy, we likely wouldn’t have her. You have my prayers and thoughts. You will get through this, and move forward, and life will still bring you many blessings, I know.
I don’t have any comforting words – I don’t imagine there is much comfort in words. I am praying for you and your whole family, Kristen.
I came across this page well googling stillbirths . My cousin who has been trying to conceive for years is giving birth to a baby with no heart beat tonight . I’m devastated and the thought of her having to go through labor and her baby not having a heartbeat has shattered my heart. Ok reading as much as possible so I can help her through this time . Thank you for the do’s and donts . I am sorry for you loss . Thank you for sharing your experience . It’s going to be such a hard day tmrw .
Vanessa, I am so sorry for the loss your family is going through. How is your cousin doing? How are YOU doing? You might be interested in reading Kristen’s blog:
God bless, dear.