I’m Scared to Have 2 Kids: an update 2 years later
On April 23, 2012 I took a deep breath and published a blog post that I was nervous to share. I confessed that my swollen belly made me anxious. I wasn’t ready to have two kids. In fact, I was flat out scared that I wasn’t going to be able to step up to the challenge.
Ironically, the same day that I published that post ended up being was the same day my second child was born. Today my little Noah is over two years old and I think it is finally time for an update.
So is it scary having more than one kid? Yes. And no. Parenthood is scary in general. I don’t think it matters if you have 1 kid or 11 kids. I’m confident that I will always be wondering if I’m doing it right.
3 Struggles We Had Going from 1 to 2 Kids
1) Grace loved Noah deeply and adhored holding her new little brother. However, she was not a fan of me breastfeeding. It is possible that she remembered nursing and felt jealous, but even if she didn’t remember it was clear to her that I was doing something very intimate with Noah that she wasn’t able to do. She cried and wanted on my lap whenever I nursed him for the first couple of days.
It broke my heart to see Grace’s tears and jealousy. I had been worried about how Grace would handle sharing mommy and daddy and this type of reaction was exactly what I had feared. It was difficult to balance my clingy toddler, hungry newborn, new-mama guilt, and my need for some personal space!
Thankfully, this stage didn’t last long and Grace quickly overcame her insecurities. In the moment it felt long and heartbreaking, but ultimately it only lasted a few days.
2) Getting enough sleep was certainly a challenge. At night, Nate and I each had a child we were in charge of. I took care of all of Noah’s needs. If Grace woke up, then Nate was on duty. Although I wasn’t getting a ton of sleep, that method helped. I also napped daily when Grace napped in the afternoon. Of course it was just the worst. thing. ever when Noah and Grace didn’t coordinate their nap times. Those days felt like eternity.
3) The biggest challenge (after I started getting enough sleep at night!) was the feeling of constantly being needed for something. My “down time” significantly decreased. Someone is always asking for something. I’ve even told my children, “Stop asking me for things!” Some days aren’t so bad and then there are others when I feel like I’m going insane.
How Having More Than One Kid is Actually Easier
Now that Noah is a little older, he and Grace play together. all. the. time. It isn’t always a peaceful playtime, but it is a lovely experience. Now that I’m not Grace’s number one playmate, it is easier for me to do laundry and prepare meals. Plus it is just plain adorable.
Nate and I always knew that we wanted more than 1 child. It was easy to take the plunge and have our second child even though I worried about my abilities as a mother. We don’t regret having Noah for an instant. He is amazing and we are lucky to have him.
Now that we have 2 children, the big question is:
Will we have 3???
All of those same fears I wrote about in 2012 come rushing back when I think about adding another little one to my family. Additionally, there are several new questions and fears.
1) Do we really want to hit the reset button again? Life is starting to get a bit easier. Everyone is sleeping through the night. We don’t worry about little ones falling down the stairs. I can see a light at the end of the diaper tunnel. That reset button takes us back to all of that again.
2) Can we afford 3 children? It isn’t all about money. I’m sure we would make due, but more children means there is less money to go around for big things like braces, college, and weddings.
3) Can we fit 3 children in our home? This is 100% a first world problem. We can totally fit another person in here, but the logistics still give me pause.
4) How far apart do we want our children? I like the idea of my children enjoying the same types of things at the same time. My sister and brother are 12 and 10 years older than I am, so this wasn’t the reality in my house. Yet wouldn’t it be nice if we could go to the park as a family and all of the children are still young enough to enjoy being there?
5) Am I willing to put my body through another pregnancy and birth? Sadly, I have learned that a healthy pregnancy and safe delivery are not a guarantee. Another pregnancy would be met with a new sense of fear. Plus it is highly likely that I would need to have another c-section. I didn’t love the first one.
6) What will a 3rd child do to our marriage? AKA: Will anyone ever be willing to watch 3 kids so we can enjoy a date night???
I am jealous of the couples who are confident in their family size. I wish I had the confidence to know with certainty that Nate and I are done having children or to know with certainty that there is another baby coming. But I don’t know. I just don’t know.
One thing I do know with certainty is that whether we are a family of 4 or a family of 5, we are one awesome family. I am so thankful.
Hitting the reset button. Oi! You can never “afford” more children. My husband and I have 3 children in less than 1200 square feet. We manage! 3 babies in 4 yrs. Yea! 3 c-sections. I hear you! Date night??? Alone time??? Someone to babysit 3 kids???
Honestly, I love it and wouldn’t change a thing! Except maybe the fact that we just took 3 kids 8-4 on our romantic getaway! Who wants to drive across 3 counties dropping kids off when you can take them along!! But I wouldn’t change it! We had a blast as a family!
Rebecca, it is great to hear that you can relate to my concerns. I’m sure we would adjust to having 3 children, but it sure does feel like a scary step to take.
I agree with Rebecca. 3 kids can be tough. Date night is always tricky and I feel like we’re running a 3 ring circus so we can go to a blogging conference in the fall. We live in a 978 square foot home with 3, I had 3 c sections, and life can be hectic. But I can’t imagine my life without them. We were debating like you are now and God chose for us (with a surprise). But we were able to say with confidence that 3 children was the right number for us.
I remember when you found out about your little surprise! 🙂
Who knows. Maybe God will surprise us too.
Going from two to three was very hard. You are officially outnumbered and they know it. I think that your oldest is a girl would help. I wouldn’t change any of it but it was a very hard year adjusting
YES!!! That is something I forgot to include in my list of questions!! How do my husband and I handle being out numbered??? I can’t believe I forgot that one.
I think if we had a 3rd it would be really difficult for the first few years, but after our kids are older it would be wonderful. Having 3 grown children sounds fantastic! Having a preschooler, toddler, and a baby sounds… well… less than fantastic. 😉
My partner and I had that discussion and decided to go for number three. However due to my age number three came with a buddy and we expanded from a family of four to a family of six. Money is tight, we are extremely overcrowded and I wouldn’t change a second of it. Except when they all had projectile vomiting. Then I wished I’d got a puppy instead.
Bwahahahaha!!! A puppy!! Haha!
Oh Ruth, that is hilarious. I seriously can’t even imagine what that must have been like. *shudder*
The sleep thing is a big concern for me. My hubby is a very sound sleeper and has to be up at 4:30am. He almost never woke up when our now 2yr old was crying. He just didn’t hear it. She is a nightmare kid so she still wakes up at night every so often. I know that when we add #2, whenever that is, all night time will still be all me. And mama needs her sleep too!
For a similar reason, your third struggle hits home. I’m an introvert in that I need time to myself every day to recharge. I fear that going away with another kid. I know it would only be a stage and life would settle out again. But it is so hard in that time.
I am so glad you wrote an update to this! We are currently TTC #2 and as much as we want another one, I have fears and worries.
Julie, I’m glad I’m not alone with these struggles. Noah woke up at night a lot more than Grace did. It really rocked my world and my husband usually slept right through it.
And then there is the over touching and less alone time… Motherhood in general is just so hard, ya know?
Just today my two kids were playing together and Noah was laughing SO HARD that he had my husband and I giggling along with him. Praise the Lord, the good times make up for all the sleepless nights.
Best of luck to you as you are TTC. You can do it, mama!
Oh my yes! The over touching. I had to tell Matt one day last week to just not touch me. I needed to not be touched for a couple hours. Abby had been touchy all day…which is cute…to a certain extend.
And, thanks. TTC this time is proving to be more of a challenge than last time. It would help if we were actually home during the time we need to be home. lol. But, I am enjoying the time as a family of 3 as it won’t always be like this. (I tell myself this as I’m back to day 1 of my cycle as of today. It makes it a little easier to deal with the disappointment. 🙂 )
Sorry you had disappointing new this month, Julie. 🙁 It is always hard when you are so eagerly waiting for good news. I’m looking forward to the day you leave a comment to tell me you are expecting!
Hi Ladies,
I know I’m joining this conversation several years late but I am interested in learning more about this subject of over touching. I feel like this concept is something I’ve dealt with but didn’t have a definition or term for it. Please explain. I have one son and can no longer conceive due to a premature ovarian failure diagnosis at age 36. My husband and I have discussed adoption but I. So apprehensive especially since our son is 4.5 and I feat not having any time for myself as I struggle with this currently with one child. Any advice is welcomed.
Touch is a beautiful and needed way to show love, build connections, and offer comfort. However, when a mom is constantly being touched, it can lead to feeling over touched. You simply want some space. You want your body to be YOUR body alone and not meeting a need for someone else.
I am now a mom to 3. My youngest will be 4 this month. I feel over touched less these days than I did in the early days of motherhood when I had two under the age of 3.
As with all things in parenthood, it is a season.
Only you and your spouse can know if adding another child is right for your family, but I will say that having a playmat for my kids is a huge help. At first it is super hard to add another one, but when they are old enough to play together it is pure gold. (Except for when they are fighting. LOL!)
I have always wanted 2, but after waiting until our son is 2 years old, I’m now having fears about having a 2nd child.
I want my son to have a sibling, but would 3 years be too far apart for them to enjoy playing together? I see my son play with kids 2 years older and its fine, but 3 years seems like too far. Does anyone have advice or experience they can share on this?
I’ll be 38 in 6 months so clock is ticking. My fear is mostly $ and healthy pregnancy. I run my own business and won’t get to take ‘maternity leave’ like I did with my first. My income is never consistent and clients aren’t going to understand taking a couple months off :).
This is the first blog that I’ve ready that isn’t talking about women tricking their husbands into another or going against family decisions and getting pregnant. Its really refreshing to hear from warm, honest people.
My husband is ok with having another, but our challenge is that neither of us feel strongly enough for it to say “YES absolutely”. So we’ve been letting all the other uncertainties muddy the decision.
Any shared wisdom is greatly appreciated.
Krystina
I know this is kind of old but I thought I’d reply anyway. My daughter turned 5 right before my son was born. Now they are 6 and 14 months. They play so well together! They have their moments where my daughter expects him to play on her level and I just have to remind her that he is a baby and doesn’t understand like she does. She is very good with him and has been a wonderful help to me since he was born! It was easier adapting to a newborn again with her being pretty independent. Now I’m expecting #3 and my son will be a month shy of turning 2 when this one is born. I have to admit I am more nervous this time because he still needs/wants me most of the time. It’s going to be more work with him still being so young. But I know it will all work out. We will find our new groove as a party of five and it will all be gravy before long. I say go for it!
Thank you for sharing your perspective! It is great to hear good reports from families who have children spaced apart a bit more.
We left having a third up to fate. We didn’t actively try, but we stopped preventing for a set period of time. We decided that if we got pregnant in that time, we’d be ok with it and if not, we’d be happy with our two kids. I found out I was having a third two days after we decided to be ok with just two. Three kids 6 and under is definitely a challenge. Someone always needs something and I’m always up way too late because it’s the only alone time I get. It’s definitely worth it though. If you feel like 3 kids is something you want, don’t let the fears stop you.
April, I love your story! You decide to be content with 2 and then BOOM! ya got another on the way just two days later. That is awesome. Thank you for your encouragement. I truly do appreciate it. I will always have fears. We just need to decide what we really WANT, ya know?
I, for one, am glad that your parents decided to have 3 or we wouldn’t have the pleasure of having you 🙂
Aw! Thank you, Kathleen.
My husband and I also struggled with ‘do we have a 3rd child.’ Although our situation was a smidge different – our first two were preemie twins. When we married, we both agreed that 2 children would be the perfect amount. But, then when we got two at once, it kinda changed things a bit. It ended up taking 2+ years to conceive the twins, then we got an infertility diagnosis just days before we got pregnant – totally on our own/without medical help. And it was twins. 🙂 Our ID twin daughters were born at 34 wks, and spent 3 weeks in the NICU. That time was terribly scary and something taht I didn’t want to relive. Should we try again? Our twins were almost 2, so now would be a good time to start trying. Would there be a chance we could have a ‘normal’ birth? Could we have a boy (athough the gender wasn’t a huge issue) Could we afford another? But, we really wanted to experience pregnancy/birth/infancy/childhood again. We’d see people with babies and we’d look at each other remembering when our twins were tiny. We felt so conflicted… we decided to give it a specific amount of time. If we got pregnant before Christmas (it was May) then we were meant to have a 3rd. If we didn’t get pregnant, then, well, it wasn’t meant to be. We believed that God would allow us to conceive if that was His plan for us. I honestly didn’t have high hopes of conceiving with our infertility diagnosis. In November, we found out we were pregnant. We went on to have a healthy full term baby boy. (His birth wasn’t perfect, as I developed a blood condition and had to be under general anesthetic… but, the post partum time was basically normal.) He has totally rounded out our family and after he was born I just ‘felt’ done. I hadn’t with the girls. When he was 8 months old I had a tubal ligation. So… I’ve been there. It’s such a hard decision. Good luck.
Cindy, thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story!!!!
You’re welcome! 🙂
My husband and I had always always wanted kids, we have never really put a number on it because I had always figured God will know exactly the number we are meant to have and who am I to decide what is best for me and my family. After 9 years on infertility, my husband and I have three kids three and under, our 3rd is just 3 months old but I can tell you some of your fears are totally understandable, not having alone time right now is a daily struggle, the two older ones (three and two) constantly play/fight and my boy is constantly being smothered by the girls. But it’s been wonderful and I don’t think that my fears ever addressed the awesomeness that having the three of them is. I have been somewhat terrified of what if God gives us another right now, but I think my Heavenly Father knows what’s best for me and I truly believe he will not fail to make it all wonderful if we do as he says and throw those worries on him.
Life must be a bit of a challenge for you right now! But just image how wonderful it will be when everyone can feed themselves, dress themselves, and go to the bathroom all on their own. 🙂
Early parenthood is such a short amount of time. You are going to enjoy your three (and perhaps more!) for many, many decades to come. I love it. 🙂
Oh and I definitely get the space issues we live on just over 300 square feet!
I have 1 from a previous relationship, but really want to have one with my hubby. I am terrified of the financial concept though. I work and he works and I don’t think we can afford anyone to stay home, but child care costs soo much…
Any advice? Lol
I know a few people who have chosen to stay home because the cost of childcare was so much that it wasn’t worth it for them to work. Do you think that would be a possibility for you? Could you do some work from home? That would save you money on childcare while still bringing in something.
We looked into the possibility of me staying home when I got laid off from my job last summer. We found out that with our current situation (1 kid) we would need at least a few hundred bucks a month to manage even cutting down to bare minimum. With a new baby we would need even more extra and my hubby’s job is project based so it is a little bit unstable with the potential for layoff.
In reality, I will have a better chance of having a more stable career, but I am not far enough in my career right now for us to survive off my income either.
Most of the time I think we are pretty dang good at managing money and fairly stable. No debt, not huge expenses… I don’t know how people manage with mortgages, credit cards and car payments on top of what we pay.
Seriously… I looked into child care for an infant just today and they said $310 a week O.O I’m half panicked and half depressed.
Wow, Alice. That is a lot of money! I’m sorry this is all so stressful for you. I don’t know if this article will help you much. It was written by a friend of mine. Staying at Home with Your Kids When You Can Barely Afford It: http://thehumbledhomemaker.com/2012/10/staying-at-home-with-your-kids-when-you-can-barely-afford-it.html
It really is amazing though that you are living debt free. You should be extremely proud of yourself for that. My husband and I have that goal, but for now we are still plugging away at student loans. It isn’t fun at all.
It sounds like you are an intelligent woman. You and your husband will figure this all out. Keep me posted!
Alice, did you see the comment from Amber? She suggested watching someone else’s child while you are home with your own.
Well…….i will say this from my personal experience (i have 4 kids close in age): I do not regret having 4 (we didn’t use birth control at first) but i do regret not spacing them out more…to enjoy their babyhood more fully and let myself recuperate better after the birth (i take a while to “recharge” my batteries, i do not hop up and start doing things the next day!) I think if i had been less tired constantly i would have felt like a better mom. My philosphy is “the more the merrier” ( i don’t worry much about space or money) but there comes a day when you do have to face the very real constraints that a big family entails. A big problem really is getting the occassion to go out or be alone especially when you have no family or many friends close by.
As far as feeling outnumbered i did not feel that way until after the 4th. When there were 3 I would have the baby in the carrier, one in the stroller and the other riding behind the stroller. When number 4 came, she went in the stroller and the others (who were then a bit bigger) all wanted to run on ahead and all of the sudden i realized how “powerless” i was ….if one got away from me near the street, how could i run and grab him without leaving the baby behind in the stroller?!? well i relied heavily on my oldest (who is a girl, and that does help!) and sometimes forced the one who wasn’t listening to ride behind the stroller and we are all still alive! ha! 🙂 i often feel overwhelmed but i really like the “richness” of a big family and all the interactions and personalities. Plus it keeps you humble as you realize how different each kid/person really is…despite growing up in the same family.
Good luck! I think you will always be happy either way as long as you know “why” you’ve chosen the route. Also …sometimes a “suprise” comes along, ready or not!
Thank you for sharing your perspective, Jessica. Ya know… somebody has to be the last baby. 🙂 It is going to be hard no matter how many kids I have.
I really enjoyed this article. I am expecting my 2nd any day now and my daughter is 20 months. I was so scared when I found out I was pregnant on her 1st birthday. I still don’t know what to expect, but I know this was God’s plan. I wanted to post an Idea for Alice who was wondering how she could afford another child. Have you ever thought about watching someone else’s child while you were home with your own? Just a thought.
First of all, best of luck to you as you birth your new baby! Please come back and tell me all about it or post a picture on my facebook page. (http://facebook.com/simplyrebekah) I would love to see your little one!
That was a good suggestion for Alice! Thank you for jumping into the conversation!
The joys of three! I was never going to have kids (I was afraid of giving birth). So number one was a surprise.. A few years later I married my husband and we decided she’d be the only one. But I couldn’t seem to shake this mental picture of him holding our baby in a little hospital room just after birth. Too afraid still of getting pregnant and another birth I would not have made that choice. God did though! Under some strange circumstances number two came along and he is amazing! Before his first birthday we got yet ANOTHER surprise. I was actually excited this time. I was a mess when we lost that baby at nearly 11 weeks. After planning and invisioning our family with three children we decided a year later to try and make it a reality, and that’s when our Noah came along! And I’m exhausted! With a 9 year old I have some help and my husband does way more than a lot of dads I know, but my toddler still wakes up at night and only wants mom and Noah is breastfed so once again… Only mom 🙂 It’s a chaotic, restless time right now but I’m glad we did it. Knowing that one day I WIll sleep again helps get me through. I would much rather sacrifice sleep right now than have regrets later that I did not have more children. I also love the feeling now that our family is complete. Hubby had a vasectomy and now its like we are moving into the “next phase” of family.. With no regrets 🙂
Christina, it is hard being the most popular person in the house! I hope you get some of your much needed rest soon.
Thank you for sharing your amazing story with me. I love that you went from wanting zero to feeling complete with three. 🙂
I am in the midst of this decision now. I had thought we were done after two. My husband had said he only wanted two since we have our boy and girl, plus I have been extremely indecisive about it.
Well I brought up the subject of vasectomy to my husband and he looks at our baby boy, who is only 6 months old this week, and asked if a third would be so bad.
So we have pretty much just decided that we’re not going to try, but we’re also not going to prevent another for a year. So if our son gets to 18 months and we’re not pregnant, it wasn’t meant to be. This is mostly because I don’t want to get so far only to be reset again. I don’t enjoy being pregnant but I do like the results. I don’t mind labour so much either. I guess my only fear is that we’ll end up with twins, but we’ll cross that bridge when and if we get to it.
I should say this, but I have a friend who tried for just one more and was surprised with twins! Isn’t that crazy??? Of course all children are a blessing, but I just can’t fathom having twins.
Best of luck (and come back and tell me if you end up with twins)! 😉
Haha. With our luck, that would be the way it goes down. I think it would be a scary thought at first, but I’m sure we could handle it. There are twins in my family, my cousin had some and my great aunt had a few sets, so anything could happen! It would be nice if my period would come back (never thought I’d say that!) So I would know. I know I can get pregnant without it, but I’m not sure I’d know for the first little bit then 😛
Ooooooh! Twins even run in your family! How fun!
I look forward to you sending me a baby bump picture a few months from now. 😉
Well, I came back to let you know that we did end up trying for that third. I just found out today it’s twins. LOL We’re excited though.
SHUT UP!!!! Oh my word!! Congratulations!
Oh what a blessing these babies will be in your life.
Remember me telling you that my friend tried for one more and ended up having twins? She happens to be a blogger and you can read her twin story here if you would like: http://www.sortacrunchy.net/sortacrunchy/a-twin-pregnancy-story-.html
I know.. we had a good chuckle about it. I’ve always wanted twins, so not scared or worried at all. I asked my husband how he felt and he said he was fine. No use freaking out about something that can’t be changed anyways, right? Though, the idea of 3 under two is terrifying because we planned a 19 month gap.
I will definitely check her post out, thanks 🙂
I look forward to more twin updates and a baby bump picture or two!
I’m not sure how to share pictures.. but there is a bump picture on my instagram (thebookishginger) from last this past week. I haven’t announced the twins yet though. 😛 Have to finish letting the family know.
When I was pregnant with my third child, I was more scared than I had been with my first or second! So many people had me freaked out! “Oh no! Now you’ll be outnumbered!” “You’ll never have time for each other!”
“Someone is always going to be crying”
We heard so many negative things that I’m pretty sure I thought my world would come to an end after the third! There was one day while I was pregnant that both of my children were crying and throwing fits, and my husband and I just looked at each other and laughed (mostly so I wouldn’t cry, too). He asked why we were laughing at a time like this. 😉 and I said, “because in a month the first two will be doing this AND the baby will be crying and wanting to nurse!” But, you know what? Going from 2 to 3 was the easiest transition so far! I wish those people would have voiced their concern in a more productive way: by giving me tips on what worked for them during the tough times. Do we have bad days? Of course! But didn’t I also have bad days when there was just one child? Of course! Do I sometimes lock the door when I use the “potty” so I can get some privacy for a few minutes? Yeah, I do. But I also TREASURE the sticky and slobbery kisses and hugs and the “mooooommmmmmyyyy!”s which are so temporary! One thing that was helpful to me was reading the book “desperate: hope for the mom who needs to breathe.” It gave me great perspective on the tough days. Now, I cannot imagine life without three. ours are ages 3, 2, and 6 months and I LOVE having them close together! I was afraid I was taking something away from our oldest by having baby 2 so soon, but I realized we gave him such a blessing in his little sister! So my advice: diapers, everyone calling for and touching mommy, sleepless nights… These are all so fleeting. But the love you give your babies is everlasting. If you and your husband *think* you *might* like to have another baby, go for it, girl! Someone once told me, “you’ll only regret the babies you don’t have.” 🙂
Jessica, I’m about crying. Goodness. Thank you for your very touching and wise advice. Why are people so prone to focus on the negatives? *sigh* Thank you, girl. Thank you!
I’m crying too! I’m having the same trouble deciding to go from 2 to 3 children. I have two girls now, 3.5 yr and a 21 mo. I’ve made pro/con lists, taken online quizzes, read numerous articles, etc. I didn’t think twice about having my second child, but having the third is a daily debate.
There are online quizzes to help with this decision? I need to take one! 🙂
Maybe give yourself some more time. It sounds like your first two are pretty close in age. Give yourself a little break and maybe the decision will become clearer after some more time has passed.
You are so right on Jessica! 🙂
Soooo true
Hi dear! I understand your concern! It is not easy juggling 3 kids but it is possible! We have 3 boys 8,2 almost 3, and 7mos. C-sections were by far the only drawback for me on having babies! Adding a third child changes everything. You do have less time to yourself and less time with your spouse! But we just learn to make time and we have grandparents and my sister who give us time away now and again! It is such a blessing to have each one of them! I wouldn’t trade them for the world. They have expanded my life and teach me new things! I understand your worry but no matter what as long as you believe you will be ok well then you will be! I understand the no sleep and no naps. Josiah and I deal with it all the time. I shoot for one nap a week and just pray for energy too keep up with my 3 wild and crazy boys! It is overwhelming at first but after Cyrus turned a month old we got into more of a routine it can be done and once you get used too three it doesn’t matter how many you have it will always be a blessing!
Thank you for your encouragement, Elizabeth. It has to start getting easier again at some point, right? The house won’t always be filled with toddler craziness. Eventually everyone will learn to go to the bathroom on their own and cut up their own food. 🙂
Yes it will but I am sure there will just be something else! 🙂 It will probably in my case involve never cleaning rooms, messy bathrooms, never getting into the bathroom, never having a drop of food in the house even though I just went shopping oh and I am sure there is more! Its just the way it is! 🙂 They are a true blessing from God! That is what I remind myself of all the time! 🙂
For us, the jump from 2 to 3 was difficult because we had to get a new car. Our car wouldn’t accommodate three car seats, so that was an expensive adjustment. 🙁
A car seat alone is expensive! Add in a new CAR to go with it and my goodness…. Yikes!
My husband and I always wanted 3 kids, close in age. So we did it!
My kids are now 8,7&4.5…at the beggining having a 4, a 2.5, and a newborn was very thought! When I look at my little one I find it hard to believe that at his age I had two other babies. It was hard to adjust, but wouldn’t change it a bit, actually if I had been younger I think I would have gone for the fourth
How long do you think it took before you felt like you could keep your head above water? Meaning… how long until it didn’t feel like chaos anymore?
We have four children 7 and under. I always knew I wanted a large family, so we aren’t even sure we’re stopping here (although we’d like to space them more from here on). Our youngest two are only about 18 months apart.
When I had my first, someone told me that the first seems impossible, the second seems doubly as hard, but anything after two is much easier. I thought she was insane. Like, NUTS. My first seemed like such a challenge at the time.
I know some will disagree, but for me, the third and fourth were WAY easier than the first two. At that point, you are confident in your mothering (to some degree), you have more perspective on how quickly it all goes by, and you realize what things are worth the stress and what things are totally NOT. So it’s much easier to say “Who cares?” about lots of things and just enjoy the baby. I swear, the fourth baby has been the easiest by far. He’s just along for our crazy ride, and things are actually WAY more chill than when I was doing it for the first time trying to be the “perfect” mother. Ha!
Erin, I only have two kids, but I totally agree with you. With my first baby I was always searching for information, but with my second I was able to trust my instincts more. I can see how that would make even a third and fourth baby easier in some ways. Perhaps more physical stress from all the kids, but less mental stress?
Oh yes, the physical demands do go up. But at the same time, the older two are 7 and almost 5, so they are slowly becoming less demanding in that way too. They’re finally reaching the age where they can have some level of independence and responsibility (picking up their own toys, getting a glass of water for themselves, etc…) and I’m also obviously not carrying them around all the time anymore, so it balances out after awhile. I know it can be hard to imagine a time when they will do things on their own when you have toddlers and preschoolers wrecking the house (or, it was for me at least). But in a few more years, another baby might seem like a cake walk. lol. Or not. Haha.
I have five children now, but remember vividly how scary going from two to three kids was. In reality it was not that hard and I often tell parents it’s going from one to two that’s the real adjustment. Depending on why you had your C-section with your second, you can very likely have a VBAC with another child. I’m a doula and a mom who has had four vaginal births after my initial section ( one in hospital and three of them at home.) One of the reasons I became a doula was hiring one for our first VBAC and wanting to encourage mom’s to explore their options in this regard.
I am super jealous of the mamas that have a doula at their birth. We were never able to prioritize that cost.
If we do have a 3rd child, I am hoping for a VBAC. I needed to be induced for both of my children, and I’m afraid that will affect the willingness of my doctors to do a VBAC, but…. The choice to have a 3rd is based on so much more than the birth. Time will tell. 🙂
For me, 3 children was easier than 2. I know that sounds crazy because in some ways, the logistics of juggling that many little people and all there stuff gets crazy. But my mommy confidence went through the roof. I’m not saying I’ve got it figured out–I don’t. But on all the million little things you research for your first baby, I’m able to either do what worked in the past or figure it out. And I just don’t care what others think anymore when they see my 8 month old noshing on chicken (we do Baby Led Weaning which looks weird at first). And my second child was my high stress, high needs child–he had lung surgery when he was 6 weeks old AND he has food allergies (and reflux as an infant). So to me, it wasn’t getting any harder than #2. And sure enough, #3 was an easy baby. I was exhausted that first year when I had a 3 year old, a 1 year old, and a newborn, but we got through it and are happier for it. I love seeing them play together now that they’re “big kids!”
Mommy confidence is a powerful thing! I can see how parenting seems easier because of that. Even my second baby was so much easier since I was able to rely on my instincts more. Thank you so much for sharing your experience!
How many years are your first two?
As of today, Noah is 3.5 and Grace will be 6 next month.
#3? Go for it!
I am honestly in this boat right now. My youngest son is about to turn two at the end of this month and I want to have a third one but am scared of how it will turn out. My oldest is 3, turning 4 in January. I think about having a third one and wonder if my husband and I can even handle it. Our boys are so crazy that I don’t know if it can be done lol.
Hitting that reset button is a big deal! You had your boys pretty close together. Maybe wait another year and see how you feel then?
I am a single mom pregnant with my second. I had my first at 39 years old. I spent ten years with the wrong guy. As a result, I decided to use a donor. When my son turned one, I decided to reach out to the bank I used. The donor was willing to come back for me to give me a chance to give my son a full sibling. I am now 41. I never in a million years thought I would get pregnant. My chances were so slim and I only had one egg. I am five weeks today. I have a great job and a huge village to rely on. I rarely rely on them now. However, I am scared to death. I am afraid I won’t be able to handle two kids. How am I going to split my time. I sometimes wonder if I made the wrong decision. At the same time, I would love for my son to have a sibling. I really just need prayers and support. I cry every day out of fear.
Going from 1 to 2 is much easier than going from 0 to 1. You’ve done the hardest part! Rely on that village of yours – arrange help before the baby arrives so you won’t get too overwhelmed.
I really feel you on the anxiety though. I cried a lot when my eldest was a baby because I didn’t know how I could possibly do it over again with an older child to care for. My fears were totally unfounded – it’s been so much easier than I’d expected. I did see a psychologist a couple of times while pregnant just to put my mind at ease and give myself ways to cope with the anxiety. It was really helpful and I would really recommend it. Congratulations mama, you’ll be wonderful 🙂
I can’t thank you enough for your response You put me at ease. I do have a therapist and have been working with her. My anxiety has subsided a little bit. I am still really early. Only eight weeks. This pregnancy has been completely different. I have been so sick, so crampy and am bleeding. I have a clot floating around in my uterus. I can’t believe I have 32 more weeks. lol. You are so right that I already know what to expect. I will be more prepared as well. I can’t thank you enough!!!
Nicole, I am so sorry for my slow reply. I found myself drowning in the sorrows of my own life and my blog took a backseat.
I can’t possibly tell you what the future will hold for you and your little ones, but I can tell you that my two children are best friends. The BEST thing I’ve given my daughter was the gift of a brother and vice versa.
The next couple years will be filled with trials, stress, and the feeling of being stretched. But I suspect that the growing pains will be worth the reward.
You can do this, Nicole.
Going from 2 to 3 is much easier than from 1 to 2. I have three, most of my friends have at least that and all of us have agreed that more than 2 has been easier than the first 2. You find ways to afford 3 and fit 3. Loving 3 is the easiest of all. I’m now raising my 3 alone, which was NOT in my plans when we married, and it IS doable even by myself! I can’t imagine my life without my third little crazy. It’s a funny thing how that reset button isn’t such a big deal when the cause of that is such a big part of your heart.
“It’s a funny thing how that reset button isn’t such a big deal when the cause of that is such a big part of your heart.”
Amelia, that was beautiful. Thank you.
I’d love to know if you ever have an update on this. We’ve just had our second (12 weeks) and our first is nearly 3. Already I’m trying to decide whether to go for a third! I had a rough start with both my girls (trouble establishing breastfeeding, depression and anxiety) and I’m not sure how I’ll cope with that a third time. But beyond the first six months (and aside from some sleep challenges), my eldest has been a breeze! My thought right now is that if my first two are at a super easy stage and a bit older (youngest in preschool), it might be possible. Or maybe I’m just mad to consider it!
Sophie, I don’t have much of an update on this. We are still a family of four. If you think you want a third, then I say go for it!
Rebekah,
I have two amazing kids (5 yr old girl and an almost 2 yr old boy). My daughter was a dream only woke once a night up to three months then 12hrs solid, pregnancy normal and everyone kept telling me I was a natural mother! Then my son, from the moment he was conceived I was in and out of the early pregnancy clinic with massive blood loss, each time we waited almost 4hrs to see if we had lost our baby – thank god each time he was fine and had a strong heart beat but it was still a massive stress! Now he is almost 2 and still wakes about 6 times a night, he has always been a terrible sleeper and early on woke more than 30 times a night which is exhausting especially with another child in the house who was starting school. ( I must say after reading one of the other comments the 3 and a bit yr gap between my kids is amazing my daughter mothers my son and they play together really well). I also own my own cleaning company and employ 12 staff. We are extremely busy all the time.
My husband has an almost 18 year old and is approaching 40 himself so feels he is done having kids as eventually he wants some time back for himself and us as a couple. Me on the other hand am only 33 and although I love my kids dearly I’m still not sure I’m done having kids. I’m not saying I truly do but I don’t want to put my market in the sand to say I don’t then find I can’t go back at a later date and change my mind. My kids are both highly intelligent making them full on all the time and we have very little support so never really get time away from the kids.
My husband too is self employed, money not an issue but time is because we both at times need to be around our businesses although it can also be a plus that most of the time we can work around things.
I love the baby stage and in theory having more would be amazing but I also know that it will make life very stressful. I also have a thing about odd numbers when it comes to family as so many times I have seen one out of a group of 3 siblings being left out and that breaks my heart.
Carly
It really is a hard decision. I hope you and your husband can come to an agreement and have peace about it. But no matter what you decide, your family will be the perfect size for all of you.
Hi Rebekah! I must share with you something that God laid on my heart years ago. At that point I didn’t want children, not even one. God spoke to me and told me to have children. That was literally the last thing I wanted to do but I obeyed. I surrendered that decision to God. My husband and I don’t use preventative methods or even watch ovulation days. God has complete control over when and how many kids we will have. We have not have any more, we may have 10 more, it’s all in His hands. I realize how crazy that sounds, it’s crazy to me too. To go from not wanting one to opening myself up to double digits. But surrendering it to God has brought me so much peace in this area of my life. His plan is so much greater than mine and I want Him to have the control He deserves. Please don’t take this as an attack, I simply wanted to share what God has laid on my heart. It has transformed my heart and I’m so thankful for it! May God bless you and your family!
I am so thankful to have come across this post! I gave birth to my son almost exactly one month before my daughter turned 2. Things this fall have been so precious and significant, but wow, pretty hectic as well. It was really encouraging to me to read about your experience. I have been really touched by how kind and inclusive my daughter has been to her baby brother, so I am excited to see how that continues to progress moving forward. Thank you for your honest reflections — it is so refreshing, especially in a day and age where moms are encouraged to look perfect and happy and content all of the time. I also love hearing your thoughts on Sorta Awesome! Thanks Rebekah!
JoAnna, thank you so much for this! I am glad you were able to relate to my post. What a special time in your life. Soak it all in, mama! (Except for the moments that drive you crazy. haha!)
It’s such a hard decision! We have almost-4 and 2 year old girls. They get along so well and we had planned our life to include lots of travel, going out and adventure which we can well manage with our family of four. Beside that we’re leaning towards becoming mature age parents if we go again. Any freedom we can expect as our children become older and more independent will be delayed – at least 5 years by my reckoning. Yet my heart cannot let go of that idea of a 3rd child!! I love everything about being a Mum and I know it will be great for my girls – they’re both kind and gentle with their younger cousins and the eldest is always asking me for a brother. My husband is supportive but I can tell that I’ve convinced him and he’s happy to stick with 2 in all honesty. He works hard and likes his quiet time and I truly feel that he deserves his preferred choice the same, if not more than me. However, I’ll be the one doing most of the child-rearing simply due to his work commitments. He really wants me to decide and stick with it and I am so. stuck.
It really can be hard to decide, Krissy. Take your time. You might find yourself with more clarity even just 6 months from now.
Hi
I can relate the same with my scenario as I have the second kid which I never thought or wanted to have but my wife always wanted a second child. Now he is almost one year but still I can’t believe that I have two children. This has caused me severe depression and affected our married life badly. Could you please suggest us to make my life easier.
Many thanks!
Thank you so much for this. We are talking about baby 2 and I’m terrified. Your blog had helped so much!
It certainly can be overwhelming to think about. I am glad this post was helpful to you. Best of luck!